Regrets
by Cindy Ryan
Summary: Tag to TKAAR. Dean can't tell Sam his regrets


I finally watched The Kids are Alright tonight and this plot bunny wouldn't leave me alone until I put it to 'paper'. Hope you enjoy this is my first real attempt at getting in Dean's head. :)

Title: Regrets  
Author: Cindy Ryan  
Tag to The Kids are Alright. One shot.  
Summary: Dean couldn't tell Sam his regrets  
Author's Notes: I'm assuming in TKAAR that at least two months have passed since Cold Oak.

Their last night in Cicero Sam sat on one of the hotel beds staring blankly at a football game on the tv. An icepack rested on the back of his right shoulder trying to ease one of the many bruises he'd received during the fight with the mother changeling.

One of their rituals before they leave a town was to find a Laundromat. Or at least this was one Sam had tried to keep up the last year or so. Normally Dean backed out of doing the laundry leaving it up to Sam with some weak excuse. Normally Sam let it go happy for the mundane, normal routine of washing clothes as a momentary escape from whatever hunt they'd been on.

Tonight, however, Dean had practically volunteered. A little too quick for Sam's taste, a little too eager.

Sam knew Dean hated doing laundry almost as much as he hated cleaning his room when he was a kid.  
Unless of course he was using the Laundromat as a place to pick up single women.

Sam sighed, he knew that Dean's trip to the Laundromat had nothing to do with single women.

This case with the changeling had hit way too close to home.

Sam closed his eyes trying to fight the fresh wave of tears that threatened. He wasn't blind. Sam had seen the wheels in Dean's head spinning as soon as he had met Ben. His brother had thought he had a child and that had got Dean thinking and got his mind going in directions he didn't want it to go.

A year ago Sam knew Dean would've run from Lisa's suburban house without a backward glance.

Now with the clock ticking, Sam knew his brother had seen the future he might never have.

* * *

Dean was grateful the Laundromat was deserted.

Nobody but the security camera would see him kicking the hell out of the washing machine that had just eaten the last of his quarters without kicking on.

"Damn it!"Dean swore as he gave the machine one last good kick leaving a sizable dent in the front panel.

Frustrated Dean punched the top cylinder that housed the coin slot. Just as he rested his arms and head on the top of the machine the coins finally dropped through and the washer started.

Dean backed away and dropped into a chair by the window. He winced as pain sliced through his bruised rib cage. At least in nine months and thirteen days Dean wouldn't have to deal with pain any more.

Not that kind of normal pain anyway.

Dean leaned back against the chair and closed his eyes. An ironic chuckle slipped from his lips as Dean thought about his clock and the tie to their case with the changeling.  
Nine months.

Unbidden an image of Ben popped in front of his mind's eye. He was a terrific kid. Lisa had done an incredible job raising him alone.

'…..what am I going to leave behind besides a car?'

Dean swallowed hard as his own words echoed through his thoughts. He had just made peace with his fate.  
He hadn't given any thought to livin' past the moment until he saw Ben and started doing some math.

For one brief moment Dean had thought Ben was his son.  
For one brief moment Dean had allowed himself to think he had a child.

Dean stood and walked over to the bank of dryers to check how much time was left on his previous load.

As he watched the clothes tumble around Dean ran a weary hand over his face and was surprised when his hand came back wet.  
Angrily Dean wiped his hand on his jeans and retreated to the chair. There was no sense crying over what could never be.  
He'd made a deal, had to live and die by the consequences.

That was a Winchester rule.  
No regrets.  
No matter what.

Dean pulled out his cell phone and rested his thumb over the redial. Part of him needed to talk to Sam about futures and families. He wanted to make Sam promise to do the whole white picket fence suburban lifestyle thing…..wife,two point five kids, dog in the back yard.

Dean shook his head and put the phone back in his pocket. With a sigh Dean picked up one of the empty duffle bags and moved back toward the dryer.

He could never tell his little brother his regrets.

Dean just had to treasure what time he had left with his family.

end


End file.
